just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
