it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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