i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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