if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Randomize
