I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
How's work?
Spinning.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
