Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
