Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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