is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize