Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
