My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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