i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
