it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
