I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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