he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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