My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
