Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Still dying that you shit outside
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
