Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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