I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
