so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
