It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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