So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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