I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
