What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
