my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
