im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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