He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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