I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
