It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
