so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Someone signed my nipple.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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