Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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