Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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