he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
