So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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