I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
