I'm gonna have a badass scar
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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