just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
sex in a hospital.. check
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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