the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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