If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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