oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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