i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
