I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
