No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize