My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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