allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
