I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize