it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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