On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He felt like a one man threesome
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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