Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
