Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
