I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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