and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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