youre lurking in front of me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
