Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
