I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
