I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize