An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
