i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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