Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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