I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
only you would photoshop your dick
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
