I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
