You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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