I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize