so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
