guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
