btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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