chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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