I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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