i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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